Knees and soul making

Everything in our world, is a raw material for enriching soul.

 

My knees hurt...

 

For last several months, I realize

that next step in my evolution is

To know and tolerate, no, embrace sadness

The sweet sadness

That comes with accepting fate, with grace

When someone dies, or betrays, or life takes an unexpected turn

Like a cancer diagnosis, divorce or getting fired

 

 

My conditioned response to inevitable in life is

"This does not affect me, I have prepared for this, my entire life"

"This is exactly why I do not getting attached to things, so I don't have to be down and sad, when they are taken away"

"I got this, I know how to fix it"

"I will start exercising and physical therapy and it will go away"

"Oh no no no, western medicine does not know anything about it, this is about emotional healing, it is about mind body connection, and I know exactly where to look and what to do"

" I know, my soul, the life force in me, wants me to pay attention to something (when I will know that, and I will pay attention to that, and THEN this will be fixed)"

 

"bottom line: I can fix it, and if I can't, I don't care"

Because Amber does not get sad, She can put a positive psychological twist to everything.

 

But then, my knees hurt

And I did all of the above

But I could not fix it

And it turns out soul, which by the way, feels like a witch

She jumps from my left to right and right to left laughing.. (witches have a special way of teaching, she is not delighted in my suffering, she is delighted in my learning!)

And tells me " it's not going away, you cannot fix it".. and you need it, so you can know sadness and you can know surrender... You can get to deep places.. you can know the under world...

(There is a glimmer of hope, that if and when I learn to honor sadness in me, would it then be fixed?) Ego does not give up easily, does it?

"It may, or may not" says the witch

 

 

And it gets worse

And I surrender

And I grieve, the loss of life as I knew it

I learn, new ways of getting up from the floor, and avoiding certain activities, doing others a little differently

And I learn, that in coming years, I may need people to help me

In big or small ways

And I notice my judgement of depending on others vanish a little

And I notice a new kind of softness and compassion that I did not know before

Don't be mistaken, it's not fun.. It is painful to come to terms to that

 

James Hillman reminds... Heroic consciousness of ego is but one way of consciousness, there are other perspectives and ways of consciousness too....

The thoughts in depression are different than the thoughts in non-depression, the insights , the creativity, the images that come in depression, do not come outside depression.

There are places in imagination, that can only be accessed in depression.

We know so much of art and literature are a product of someone's lowest, deepest places in life.

 

And I don't know about the rest of the world, But I do want to access all places in my psyche, as best as I can.

But you cannot will your way into the underworld, it abducts you, when it pleases!

Just like I finally accept, that I cannot will my way out of arthritis...

 

I knew this was my next stage of evolution, I just could not enter into it, with my will (to hasten the process).

 

Last few months the trees standing still with their majestic presence and bare branches waiting for spring leaves, have been calling me, over and over.

 

And the graceful, effortless soaring of vultures, have been grasping my attention

They fly, without flapping their wings much

The leafless tree, the vultures... both are symbols of death and rebirth

I knew a death awaits me, so a new life can emerge, something needs to die, to make space for the new!

I just could not do it sooner or faster

No, we cannot do everything with will

 

But I surrender to the process, I am standing still like the majestic trees, waiting patiently, so a new life can emerge!

Immensely grateful to the psyche, for making me sadder and wiser... and hence richer!!

(This last line is inspired by Marion Woodman)

 

 

Amber Tariq

 

#Jameshillman #Soulmaking #depthpsychology #Mythology